Everything has been so sudden, so sudden to the extend that i can
barely catch up with my own mind to what is really happening in my life. Some who already know me knows what is really happening, those who do not, here i am to really confess myself.
It was on
February 14
th (Valentines Day), when i still can clearly remember the aches i have on both of my legs. It was due to severe punishment as I
truly deserve them. To sum up all my wrongdoings, i
definitely have to admit its because of drug addiction. I have been trying all means, all ways to quit this habit of taking
Ketamine. Some people might say, "hey
after all its just a drug, how hard is it to quit?" to tell you honestly, its not an easy journey.
The pain was so terrible that it will never been forgotten. It's not just the pain on my legs, its the pain of leaving, the pain of being afraid, the pain of being alone, the pain of regret. On this day, Feb 14, is the date that i set off leaving Malaysia to Thailand and be
ordinated as a monk. The main aim of this is obvious. I need a new environment, i need some room to breath, i need some peace alone, i need to quit this habit. The journey on the bus was upsetting. Making few last calls to few of my best friends as it was way too sudden to leave just like that. I have never expected to leave in such a hurry.
Nevertheless, I'm used to it. It's always been this way even during childhood. I have already experience dramatic changes in my life, I'm seriously very used to it. I know i can adapt, i know i will survive somehow, i know its not going to be hard, because harder moments were there before.
Here i am now, after 3 months being in an absolute strange country all by myself. Hearing a brand new language, seeing different culture, having a complete new livelihood. I have to admit, I'm good at adapting to new
environments quickly, this was due to my childhood experiences.
Where is this place? Why am i here? How long will i be here for? When can I go home? these are the questions that pops out of my mind every moment when i first arrive. I keep asking this few questions over and over again hoping that the answer will just appear.
This experience, this very experience is something that is worth remembering all my life. Something that is so important, something that i treasure, something that is really worth the time. From the very beginning, the aim was to quit drugs, i made it, 3 months clean, glad about it, i feel happy about it, and most of all i feel proud to admit all this wrongdoings. Its not easy for someone to admit this
publicly, but trust me, the truth will always be better than hiding things away. After 3 months of what i have been
experiencing, its not enough, i need more time, i want more time, i want to explore more. This is just the very surface of what i have experienced. When i have proper time, ill go in depth with my daily lifestyle as a monk and what i have seriously been
experiencing the past 3 months. The places i have
visited, the people i have
encounter, the moment of thoughts that was so scary that leaves me in tears, the moments of striving hard to understand
Thai, the moment of learning how to chant. and the moment of happiness.